Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
for so long...
i've been trying to start up a band. i'm the most non-musical person i know. it's been awhile since i've talked to Jeff. i guess you could say that we've parted ways. someday, i hope that i can figure out what happened. i feel like i was just left, alone and mystified.
so maybe this whole band thing is a way to cope. boysingsblue broke up, so Jeff and I have kind of switched places. he's returned to the sad, lonely world of medical school, and i am joining the sad world of rock and roll.
I guess i should tell you a bit about my band. we are currently nameless. Kayla, Mallory's friend, is on bass. Morgan Williams, my roomate from freshman year at Columbia, is the drummer. And Keith is the 2nd guitar player.
Mallory said that the one benefit of dating a former guitarist (jeff) is that at least i picked up some guitar skills. i hope she's right about that...
Well, can't tell you how I've been handling everything as of late, seeing as...I haven't been handling it. I've just immersed myself in school and meeting new people and consequently ignoring the life I wish I could leave behind. Noah keeps calling, and calling. I tried to tell him that he's too good for me, and he laughed at me. He didn't understand how I could feel that way.
I still didn't tell him how I feel about Jeff. I guess I should do that at some point...the poor boy doesn't deserve to be led on. On the other hand, I was talking to Andrea, a relatively new friend from school. She told me that really, I'm not leading Noah on because I've told him numerous times that I can't commit to him. It just falls upon deaf ears.
Anyway, yeah. Andrea. She's this girl I met at school, and I think my parents are convinced we're going to get married. This is especially odd, seeing as I haven't even hinted that we're together, because, oh yeah, WE'RE NOT. My parents rave about what a great girl she is, and yeah, she is a great girl. But, as I have reminded them rather often for the past few years, I like boys, not girls. Telling them I'm gay, though, is like talking to two obese walls that eat TV dinners while watching the Wheel of Fortune. It kind of sucks.
For So Long
I know that I've been kind of lazy when it comes to updating. For awhile I was going to give up on this whole "journal" thing. Well, contrary to popular belief, I do have a life!
And I suppose that I've given up on boys. There should be more to life... right?
Right now I am so messed up. I need to figure out my life, and get my head on straight (but not too straight right?). I dropped out of college a little while ago. The whole point was that I didn't want to waste my life on something that I wasn't sure about.
So I've been spending the last few weeks/months wasting my life on relationships that I'm not sure about. I enrolled in UCLA, and I start class soon. Now I just need to choose a major (definately not pre med/pre law).
I've been thinking that I might want to go to film school. I really do love old movies, and just movies in general. My dad will probably hate me forever.
I think I'm at the point where I need to start living my life for myself, and not for anyone else.
Noah is pushing for me to commit. He doesn't know how I feel about Jeff. I've been avoiding Noad a lot lately.
I know I am being a jerk. Noah really is a great guy. He deserves better than a boy who only half way cares about him.
"And she says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar"
I haven't updated in a while, I know, but things just continue to get more and more complicated.
Mallory had a miscarriage.
It's horrible to even talk about. She called me from the doctor's office. She was desperately trying to compose herself on the phone and I knew something was wrong when she told me I needed to pick her up right away. Daphne dropped me off and as soon as I walked in I saw her, pale faced and sitting on the edge of one of the waiting room chairs. She saw me, but just sort of stared...stood up and handed me the keys as she walked out the door and to the car. I was confused and definitely a little scared. I didn't want to say anything. We drove the rest of the way home to her house in silence and, as we reached the door she fell to the ground and started sobbing. I was about to lose it. I managed to get her into the house and onto the couch and she started to compose herself...but I still saw the tears. She told me she had lost the baby. My heart sunk in my chest and I just instinctively grabbed her and squeezed her close and we just sort of stayed like that for a while. I didn't know what else to do.
As scared as I know she was to have this child and to be a single mother, she was exicted about it, as well. She has always been a motherly type...more so than even our mother, really. She always took care of me when I was sick and mom and dad were at work. She would bake cookies around Christmas time and always would put a few in my lunch bag. I was planning to take a trip with her to Babies R Us this upcoming week so she could start buying what she needed for the baby. And now...well. She's sleeping because of the sedatives they gave her.
I have never seen her this completely devistated. And it hurts.
Jeff called the day after this all happened. He didn't say anything about the message he left for me. Just wanted to know how I was, how things were at home. Everything that had been going on hit me at once. I managed to force out "horrible" before I started crying.
Something you need to know about me. I'm a pretty sensitive guy, I think...but it takes a LOT to make me cry. Jeff knows this. And he wanted to know what was wrong. So I told him about Mallory's miscarriage and cried some more. And I could tell that he was upset, too. He didn't say much. Just kept telling me everything would be OK...things happen for a reason...and how I should just not worry about anything except helping Mal get through this.
The next afternoon a bouquet of flowers showed up at Mal's door with a sweet handwritten note...signed "Love your other little brother, Jeff."
That boy amazes me.
sorry i haven't written in awhile. i've been drowning my confusion in alcohol and i just haven't been myself lately. i've been locked in my room, wondering how things in my life got so out of control. i went from having no boyfriends to two guys that both really like me. how am i suppose to choose one?
of course jeff and i have tons of history but noah was there when jeff took off for the road. i can't say who will be there for me if i needed someone. i'd like to think it would be jeff since i've known him longer, but noah is so sweet and sincere. they're two completely different guys and i think i've fallen for them both.
well, at least i've put down the bottle, and have been trying to clear my fogged up mind. i need to be really sober to figure this one out, even if reality does hurt. i'll try to get back to the journal soon. i've got some mjor decising making to do. the time for indecisiveness is over.
wish me luck. i'm going to need it.
I need to choose
Last night Noah called me and asked me to go to the park with him. Of course, I went.
It was kind of chilly so I wore jeans and a long sleeved baseball shirt with red sleeves. Noah came to pick me up at 7 and as soon as I opened the door, he told me I looked hot. Me? Hot? I have never been told that before by a guy and the feeling I got that instant felt very good.
We drove over to the park and walked around holding hands. Noah didn't care who saw us or what they thought of us. He just wanted to be with me and feel my hand touching his. And I wanted the same.
After a while of talking and walking, we sat down on a deserted bench. There, Noah touched my face and gave a very sweet and very long kiss. Let me tell you, it was amazing. I had never felt anything like it.
Noah took me home and he gave me a quick kiss goodnight on the cheek and thanked me for a wonderful night.
Oh what a wonderful night it was.
I came home to a blinking light on my answering machine. I pushed it and you guessed it...it was Jeff.
"Hey Ethan. I just wanted to call you and tell you that well.....I love you. I love with everthing in my heart. I know you have this new guy Noah in your life but I didn't want to not tell you how I feel. I have been scared. Really scared about these feelings but now, I see that I have to tell you. I'll call tomorrow and see what you think. bye"
He loves me. He really really loves me.
Noah or Jeff? Who should I choose. It's so hard. I don't know what to do. I think I'll go drink a beer.
Music constantly reflects my life.
I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch,
But its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head
When you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows and when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great heights,
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
"Come down now," but we'll stay...
I tried my best to leave this all on your machine
But the persistant beat it sounded thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly.
you will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows
with the windows down when this is guiding you home
They will see us waving from such great heights,
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
"Come down now," but we'll stay...
This...this is how I feel right now.
I really like Noah. A lot. He's a sweet guy. We went out to a movie and, you guessed it, the coffee shop. He loves it there, too. We had such good conversation and everything...but always in the back of my mind was Jeff. He won't leave me alone regardless of how far away he is. I kept thinking about what he said, how he just sped off and how I missed the chance to talk to him.
When I got home, I turned on MTV2 and this video came on..."Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service. The words just struck me because it's totally how I feel. Jeff's "out there on the road for several weeks of shows"...and I feel like I should just forget about him. It sounds so cheesy, but we are like puzzle pieces. We fit together. (Oh great, now I sound like an O-town song. Haha.) He's been my best friend since we were kids, we know basically everything about each other and now, there's a chance he might actually like me the way I like him. How can I just forget about that?
I need to sleep and clear my head. And go out tomorrow and buy the Postal Service CD.
your heart doesn't belong to me
Life is a quagmire of crap sometimes. I feel like one day I'm up, one day I'm down. There's no constancy, nothing fixed. I think I need a north star to guide me on this rocky sea. I could write down everything that I am feeling, but it would take years.
All I really need to say is that he left. He's on the road, yet again. So maybe Jeff loves me, but he's never around. I know that music is his reason for breathing. BoySingsBlue is touring in Texas, Utah, and Nevada. He's all over the place, and his fans get to see more of him than I do. I just can't compete. I really don't even want to try.
And when I do get to see him, it's so messed up. Full of jealousy, arguing, and then he just goes and says something completely wonderful... A part of me wants the love and friendship that a relationship with Jeff could offer. But I can't deal with his constant touring.
I am such a selfish jerk. How can I complain about Jeff? I know that I should care about what I want, but not at the risk of ruining something that could be really meaningful.
I talked to Noah on the phone last night. We really connected. At first I thought that it was just a physical attraction or something, but we really do have a lot in common.
There are so many things going on inside my head... but what it all comes down to is the fact that Noah is here and Jeff is not.
From zero to...two?
So, yes. Jeff showed up yesterday at Mal's house and I was very, very surprised. Very hungover, but still surprised.
Things are a little muddled in my mind about what happened, still, but I'll try to tell you all. He came in...he hugged me. And not to sound all melodramatic or whatever, but it was probably the most welcomed, most needed hug I ever got. He teased me for my hangover. He knows that I can't handle my alcohol well sometimes. Haha. But then he suddenly got very serious. Said he wanted to talk to me about something, which is the reason why he stopped by. We sat down on Mal's couch and I was very nervous...but I didn't really know why. I didn't know what was coming.
And I couldn't believe what happened. Jeff...apologized. And Jeff NEVER apologizes unless it's something big. He's so stubborn like that. He apologized for all the fighting and bickering over the weeks. Being out on the road always makes him a little sentimental for home, but having left after fighting with me really had an effect on him, he told me.
I was just kinda sitting there in shock...still a little surprised to even see him here...and then he told me he really did miss me when he was on the road. He missed hanging out with me and having someone he can really talk to. He asked if we could put all the crap behind us. I managed a nod and a "Yea, of course!" He seemed very, very relieved...then he told me he wanted to talk about something else.
Right then, my cell phone rang. I winced at the sound of the ringing...almost thought it was just the ringing in my ears kicking up and playing in a way that sounded like "California" by Phantom Planet. But then I realized...oh, cell phone. (Again I say, how I do love hangovers.)
It was Noah.
I suddenly felt very guilty, even though I didn't have any real reason to. I glanced over at Jeff, asked him if he could give me a minute...then walked into the kitchen before answering the phone. Noah asked me how I was and wanted to see if I wanted to do something today. I peeked my head out of the kitchen and looked at Jeff, sitting on the couch and looking almost uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do with myself. I told Noah I had a guest, but that I'd call him later and maybe we could do something. He said "Talk to you later, lovely," before he hung up the phone and those butterflies came back. Oh, butterflies.
I walked back out to the living room...Jeff instantly asked who was on the phone. I couldn't lie to him. So I didn't. He gave me this odd look..."Who's Noah?" he asked. So I told him...a guy I met at a party the other night. And that was all I told him. The odd look he was giving me changed to something else, but I wasn't sure what. Jeff got quiet...said "Oh. What did he call for?"
"Um," I began. "He wanted to know if I was doing anything today." I paused. "But I told him you were over."
Jeff asked me if he was my boyfriend. And I definitely heard a hint of jealousy in his voice this time. I felt my eyebrow raise...a habit of sorts that Jeff always teases me for. But this time, he just stared right at me and waited for an answer. And I told him. "I don't know...maybe."
The silence that followed only intensified the sour feeling in my stomach from the hangover. Jeff stood up and headed toward the door. "Don't let me keep you from your date or anything" he said over his shoulder. "I gotta get going anyway."
Jeff stepped out the door and left me standing there...very confused. I ran after him and got to his car right as he was pulling out of the driveway. I told him he didn't have to go. That I WANTED to hang out with him while he was in town. I asked him what he had to tell me. He shook his head...mumbled something that sounded like "It looks like it's too late for that." I wouldn't let him leave until he told me.
And he did tell me. He said that these past few weeks, especially the time being away from me, has really had him thinking about things. A lot of things, it seems. He told me that being away has made him realize how he misses the things that make him comfortable...like me. Me. He told me that, no matter what, he would care about me and love me regardless of anything. And with that, he pulled out of the driveway and sped off down the street.
And again I stood, in complete shock. The words were running through my head. "Put it all behind us...who's Noah...I gotta get going...comfortable...care about me...love me?"
And then it hit me. Maybe I wasn't just imagining things. Maybe there WAS jealousy. Maybe he does...love me?
I didn't know what to do. I stood on the lawn for five minutes, staring down the street. I walked aimlessly into the house. I sat on the couch and started at the wall. It was creepy, now that I think about it. My mind was racing. I'm still a little confused by it all now. Mal wasn't home. I needed to talk to someone...so I put on some clean clothes and went to tell Daph the whole story.
She told me something I think I already knew. I had to talk to Jeff before he left. I had to see if what I thought was true. And I had to make a decision...as much as it was going to hurt me one way or another.
I went from having no one romantically interested in me...to possibly 2 people romantically interested in me. It's a bit much for me to deal with. But I know I have to go see Jeff. I think I'll head over to his house now...*gulp*
I bet you want to know
I bet you are wondering what happened when Jeff came over. I bet you're just dying to find out :oP
Let's just say you won't be able to believe it when you read it.
Right now though I am going over to Daph's house. We have some things to talk about.
oh how i do love hangovers
After watching Insomniac with Dave Attell, I decided to get really drunk. I guess it wasn't the brightest idea, b/c I just felt... well the same, except with poor balance. I stumbled around for awhile, thank god I wasn't behind the wheel.
I decided to go to the place that I really feel is my home. I colllapsed on Mal's couch, falling into a deep and dreamless sleep.
Then I woke up around noon to the sound of knocking on the door of Mal's house. I love Mal's house. It is a small retro Leave it To Beaver House on the outside, but on the inside it is almost like a loft, without a whole lot of walls.
Funny how I never appreciate the shortage of walls when I am sober. I stumbled over to the door, kind of wishing that I had a butler to answer the door for me.
"HEy," a nonchalant voice slowly announced.
Jeff was at my door!!! JEFF WAS AT MY DOOR!!!!
He was 'just visiting' before getting back on the road again. I am still kind of hung over and in shock, so I will tell about the rest of his visit later.
JEFF WAS AT MY DOOR!!!!
I wish I COULD float away on my own little river of pee....
I think I know why I'm feeling uneasy about meeting Noah. He's like an angel in the way that he's come to me when everything seemed to be falling apart in my life. But, at the same time, I can't decide whether or not letting him kiss me was a good idea. I feel like Jeff is always watching me, judging me, even though I know he's miles away and probably wouldn't be THAT upset if he knew I liked Noah.
Ugh, I don't know what to do anymore!
Every time Jeff calls, he turns my heart and mind to mush again. I didn't know if it was necessary to tell him about Noah or if he would be angry with me if he did know. The problem is, I can't define our relationship. And I think that the fact that he's gone is actually making things worse rather than my previous thought that time apart was better for our relationship. I do like the increase in calls he's made to me this week, though. it makes me feel loved.
So I'm glad to be back home, leaving Mal alone for the night with her own thoughts. I think we both need some time for that. anyway, as soon as I got in the house, my mom bombarded me with questions about Daphne before I could even get any comfort alcohol in me. I think maybe she was waiting for me to get back for the whole time I was gone. It wouldn't surprise me. Somehow I dodged her interrogation and ran straight up to my room. Now I'm watching Insomniac with Dave Attell. I love this show. it makes me laugh and I'm in dire need of some cheap laughs right about now.
Sigh, I need to get out of this rut with Jeff. He's not here and until he's back, I shouldn't be so worried about what he thinks of my life. I need someone who's available for a relationship. Someone like Noah.
I wonder if it's too late to call him tonight.
Mood: still indescribable
It isn't a dream
Could it be possible to feel for 2 people at the same time?
When I got home tonight and layed down to think everything hit me at once.
And then the phone rang.
"Hello!" I screamed, praying that the voice on the other side of the phone was Noah's. But it wasn't. It was Jeff's. "I miss you," he said. He didn't know that tonight, all night, I didn't miss him.
I know what you're thinking, "it's not like you and Jeff are together". And I know we aren't. He's my best friend though, I tell him everything. I can't hide something this BIG from him.
I did though. I pretended that nothing was different about me. I didn't hint that I had just been kissed, only hours before, by an amazing guy. Or that I might be falling for him, even though it's too soon to tell.
I just told Jeff that I watched TV all night and how I was just about to go to bed. We didn't talk long because I told him I had to go to the bathroom. More lies. I hate lying to him. To anyone really. I need to think about what has happened tonight. This changes everything.
I think I'll go have a beer, or two, or three. Drinking eases the pain. The pain of not knowing what is going to happen next. The pain of knowing that from now on, things aren't going to be the same.
I spent some time in town today with Daph. We went shopping while trying on wacky hats and drinking over-priced lattes. The next thing I know Daph and I are at this party (not a wild one, more like a dinner party type of gathering) on the top of an apartment building. There were all kinds of people there. They were all so colorful, in both attire and in their mannerisms.
I can be so anti-social sometimes. Daph finally got a little tired of keeping me company and decided to say hi to some of the girls on the stairway. I just sat on one of those woven plastic lawn chairs, not talking to anyone and almost wishing that I wasn't there.
I was beginning to blend in to the chair, when this voice behind me says, "You know there are some people, very rare people, who actually have fun at parties. And then there are the tortured poet types who are so introverted in the sexiest way." I slightly turned my head, unsure if the Voice was talking to me.
And then, there he was. The sunlight seemed to frame his face in an almost angelic way. His golden curly hair looked like something out of a Michelangelo painting. He was so much more than beautiful.
The next thing I knew, I was telling Noah my life story. He smiled as if he was genuinely interested. What seemed like just a few minutes later, we were exchanging cell phone numbers.
We sort of separated for awhile, as the sky began to slowly darken. The hostess began lighting fluorescent citronella candles. I sat next to Daphne at a long picnic table. She told me about this girl Michelle that she thought was kind of cute, and I told her about Noah. It felt so good to have a friend around who I could just gush with.
The party began to get kind of out of hand. More and more people were coming over, until finally I decided to make my way down the stairs and just leave.
I waited for a cab out on the sidewalk in front of the old brick building.
"Hey, were you gonna leave without saying goodbye?" Noah came up behind me and kind of whispered this.
I was kind of stunned and surprised. Before I had a chance to say anything, Noah kissed me. It was surprising and wonderful, as the last pieces of daylight dissolved into the horizon.
After that everything was kind of a blur. I just remember arriving at Mal's front door with a blissful smile on my face. I hate surprises, usually, but this one was like a curve ball. I haven't even had time to take it all in. I think I really like Noah, so why do I feel uneasy about all of this? I need to sleep. I want to sleep. but after last night's dream, i am not sure if sleep is the best thing.
I think i will just lie on Mal's couch with my eyes open for a while... just thinking...
Mood: Happy but Uneasy
I didn't sleep much last night. Too much is going on and I couldn't stop thinking. Sometimes I believe that I'm an insomniac. I never get enough sleep and when I do I still feel tired.
Since I couldn't sleep I got up and turned on the TV. This special was on about the 80's, so I watched it. God, I love the 80's. During those minutes of watching TV all of my troubles seem to float away. As a commercial came on reality hit me once again.
I am in love with a boy and I don't even know if he loves me back, my parents don't understand me, and my sister, whom I love more than anything, is now pregnant.
I turned off the TV and went back to my bed. I didn't know how to solve any of my problems and I knew that staying awake wouldn't help me solve them any faster. I still couldn't fall asleep.
At one point I drifted off and I had a dream. In this dream I could see Jeff, but I don't think he saw me. I kept screaming his name and trying to run to him, but he kept getting further and further away. Eventually he was gone and I woke up.
I wonder what that dream is supposed to mean. I guess can go find a dream dictionary somewhere and look it up. Maybe it'll have some answers for me. I'm so desperate right now that I'll try anything.
"Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody, this world's an ugly place, but your so beautiful to me."
Pregnant Mallory and Love
She sat me down on her faded red couch, and just started crying. Mallory is my sister, old 'poopy head', and I sometimes forget how beautiful she is. There was something almost graceful about her display of emotion. "It's not the end of the world or anything..." she whispered.
It was right then that I realized that she wasn't at all upset about the whole pregnancy thing. She was upset about something deeper. I looked at her red swollen face outlined in tears.
In all of the years of sibling rivalry, friendship, and movie fun fests, I had never been able to offer her empathy. For the first time in my life, I truly understood her. Mallory was painfully, madly in love. I could understand that she didn't really want to talk about the baby's father, but somewhere inside I knew that he had broken her heart.
I know that it might seem selfish to relate this whole situation to my feelings for Jeff, but for the first time in my life, I can understand the 'stuck' feeling that you can have for another person. You don't want to love them, care about them, or even need them,but you can't help how you feel, no matter how hard you try.
Mallory isn't one of those movie of the week girls who gets abandoned and pregnant. She will survive on her own and thrive as a single mother. She is an amazing woman. I know that she is afraid that she will turn out like Frank and Lucy: driven and misguided.
I am going to try to be there for her. I am going to let her know that she is going to give her child so much more than Frank and Lucy ever gave us. Most of all, I am going to let her know that I love her, because it is something that I don't say enough to her. Boys will come and go, but Mallory will always be my sister.
As for Daphne, I think there's a very distinct possibilty that we are going to become good friends. If there's anything that I need more of, it's friends.
I am eating Ho Ho's and listening to mid 90's pop/rock and feeling sorry for myself. Life is Life and life is crappy/wonderful.
Ok...it wasn't bad.
Honestly it wasn't. Things got better as the night went on. I'll explain.
Mom told me where the girl lived, so I drove over to pick her up, even though I had no idea what we were going to do. She was already waiting outside and I got a little nervous...like maybe she was really excited about this date. Then I started to feel bad because I thought I was going to disappoint her.
Suddenly, she bolted to the car, jumped in and said "Go! Go! Trust me...just go!" I was so nervous that I floored it and sped down her street. After a few seconds she tells me to slow down. I'm basically freaking out and she looks over at me and says "We're safe now." I was like, "From what?"
"My mother," she said. "She wanted to meet you. And it would have been nothing but bad things. Trust me. I just saved your life." Hahaha. She introduced herself to me...Daphne. And I will admit, she's a very pretty girl. I don't understand why she doesn't get dates and I told her this. She told me that she's not out looking. She's too busy with other things, college and working and friends, to have to worry about a boyfriend, too. Then she realized she was on a date and got a little flustered and apologized. So I told her she had nothing to worry about...that, although she seemed very cool, I wasn't really into girls, but that my parents didn't really get that. Thank god she did, though.
I didn't just want to take her back home or anything so I figured we'd have our little "blind date" anyway. She was up for it. We decided to catch a movie...she wanted to see "Bend It Like Beckham" which was actually a really funny movie. Then afterward I suggested we go to the coffee shop. We had some good conversation. Daphne is a really great girl, very open and very accepting, which is always good. And I think that we could both be really great friends. She's up for it. I'm up for it. So...yes. I have a new friend. :o)
I decided I wanted to crash at Mallory's tonight. I'm not up to giving my mother the details of this little "date" just yet. I got here a little while ago...my cell rang the second I got out of my car. Jeff. Yea, he knows just when to call it seems. He didn't even bother to say hi first. Just "How was your date with your giiiiiirlfriend?" What an ass. ;o) I told him the whole story, about how she didn't want a boyfriend and how I DID want a boyfriend, so things weren't going to work out in that area...but we did hit it off in the way of a friendship. He seemed pleased about that.
We had a nice conversation on the phone. No screaming, no yelling...like our conversations have been for the past few days. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess. We kinda hit a lull in the conversation and um, I kinda spilled about Mallory.
I know I was a little vague about it in the last entry, but things were getting a little too fast and a little too crazy for me. Mallory says she's pregnant...but she's not sure. Or something. She was talking to someone on the phone about it and I kinda heard. I suck, I know...and it's not really my place to say anything, but I'm worried for her. It was nagging at me all night. That's why I told Jeff. He seemed pretty surprised. He's known Mal for as long as he's known me, and she's always been like a big sister to him, too. I told him I probably shouldn't have said anything...that we shouldn't talk about it right now, but I had to get it off my chest to make me feel a little better. He understood...told me he was glad that he could make me feel better about it, even if it just was by listening to me.
Having someone around that will just listen to you sometimes is a great help...and I have so many people like that. Mal, Jeff, and now Dapnhe. Well...and all of you out there who actually take the time to read this. :o)
Ok...I think I'm gonna go crash in the guest room for a little. I had quite an eventful day. It's a little out of the ordinary for me, the one who spends most of his time in front of a TV or a computer screen.
Hmm...I think I hear Mal now...
more than words...right now
things seem so confusing lately...
and on top of everything that is happening, Mallory is pregnant.
"No one else can love you like i do...." KOLS from 'Staring at Your Toy Collection'
Maybe life isn't SO bad
Jeff just called. You don't know how happy I was to hear his voice. He sounded so much better then he did last night and that made me cheer up immediatly.
He told me that the show he had this afternoon went great and he said the crowd went wild. I am happy for him. I am truely happy.
I told him about the date I have to go on tonight. When I told him it was with a girl and then something changed in his voice. His voice sounded like he was jealous. Maybe I wanted him to be jealous, but the way he asked, if I liked girls again, made me believe that he cared.
I told him that it ws my mother's idea and how as soon as I meet the girl I am going to tell her straight out that I'm gay. Who knows, maybe she'll still want to hang out. I can always use a new friend or two.
Just before I said goodbye to Jeff he told me he loved me and thanked me for helping him. I know that he meant in a friend "I love you, I love you too" kind of way. It wasn't the first time he has said this either. This time though, it felt different. My heart started racing and I had to get off the phone real quick because I didn't want to say something I would regret later on.
He said he would call again later tonight to see how the "blind date" went. I can't wait for the phone to ring.
Here comes those butterflies everyone always talks about. Oh how I love those butterflies.
So last night was pretty bad, except I must admit I feel better since I talked to Mallory. She really is great. Anyway, my plans for the day sort of fell through. You know, the whole "sit around, watch HBO, wait for Jeff's call" thing? A couple of hours ago, when I was just getting into some weird movie on television, I got a call. This call, however, wasn't the one I had been expecting.
I sometimes ask myself why things never turn out the way I want them to. Why can't people understand that I am the way I am and that's not going to change? Hm, wait a minute. Let me tell you who was on the other end before I get deeper into this.
My mother was calling from her job. She works this boring little desk job as a secretary over at this semi-successful firm. You know, the type that isn't poverty stricken, but isn't quite buying shares on wall street? Imagine that. So I answer the phone and I was pretty shocked to hear her usual chipper voice ten-fold in excitement, and I almost dropped the phone from shock. I put down the bag of chips (I like the ruffled kind) I was holding and sat up straight on the sofa cushion so I could concentrate on just what she was trying to tell me.
When she calmed down and I finally got the big news out of her, my shock turned to disappointment and a hint of anger. It seems that my father mentioned I was having some trouble getting girls to notice me. My mother then overheard a coworker talking about her daughter having the same problems with boys. So yeah, you guessed it. I'm going on a blind date...with a girl.
For the first time ever, I wanted to strangle my mom. Yet I know she was only doing what she thought was right. My father knows better, though, he just can't accept it. Needless to say, I couldn't get back to my movie (or the chips) and now I've been lying on my bed staring at the white ceiling trying to make sense of my life. It's so screwed up. I think I've really fallen for Jeff and I think I'd die if I found it he felt the same way.
God, I don't think this day could get any worse! What will Jeff think of this? Should I tell him? I feel so torn. And how is this date going to turn out? I don't like girls in that way. Why can't my parents get that through their heads? I'm frustrated to the point of tears. I'd do anything to get out of this date. I even feel bad for the girl I'm going to meet. She has no idea what she getting herself into. I need some real guidance.
I wonder where Mallory is...and when is Jeff going to call?
I get really profound and melancholy at night, I guess. Not only a rant about Jeff, but one about my dad, too. I'm a little tired to remember even writing that last night.
So Mallory did come home right after I wrote that last entry. And I did ask her if she wanted to go out and do something...which was a big signal to her that something was wrong. Granted, she IS my sister and we DO hang out, but not often. And it's ususally her doing the asking.
She didn't say anything about it until we got in the car. I was sort of vague in explaining about what was wrong with me, mainly because I'm a little unsure of it myself. I told about the fight me and Jeff had and how he had called me last night from the road. I told her that, despite everything, I miss him. A lot. She just nodded quietly...sort of smiling. She's always been able to figure me out so easy.
So we sat listening to the radio and all of a sudden she says "You really like Jeff, huh?" and glanced over at me. I knew what she meant. I got kinda quiet and managed to force out a yes. She smiled...and I spilled and told her everything. I told her Jeff was the first guy I ever really liked...in that kind of way. And it was all sort of new and scary for me and as much as we fight sometimes, I still adore the kid. I told her I hate that I miss him. And I told her that I don't know if he feels the same way or not. At this point, she pulled into a parking spot in front of this little coffee shop we go to a lot. She looked at me and told me that it was only natural to feel a little confused with things...but she said to not let it affect me too much. She seemed confident it would all sort itself out. I nodded, hoping that somehow it would.
We went inside, drank some coffee and listened to a little live music...a singer named Essence. I've never really been into female singers, but you know, it worked that night. I needed some mellow music to help me get out of that state I was in last night. I think Mal knew that.
Big sisters are pretty great sometimes.
So, my plans for today...sit around, watch some HBO, and wait for Jeff to call. Hopefully it'll be a happier call than last night.
What a way to spend a perfectly good Saturday, huh?
Skip the remote location of home
A healthier dose of drinks I suppose
Is what everyone needs tonight
It's what everyone needs tonight
If a party gets thrown for reasons we know
The days at work, and nights at home
Then, why not tonight
At least come for a while
A bottle of wine
There's nothing worse than Saturdays alone
On top of having Fridays at home
On top of having Fridays at home
Your whole weekend alone
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I just keep sitting here thinking about nothing at all. Well, Except for Jeff. I can never get him out of my head really. He's just always there. lurking around and not leaving.
But that's not what I want to talk about.
You see, it's my dad, Frank. I want him to accept me. I want him to treat me the way he used to. You know, before I told him the way I am going to live my life. He thinks I sould be doing something with my life. Not just sitting around waiting for something, anything, to happen.
I don't think he understands me. He keeps trying to set me up with his co-worker's daughters. I keep telling him that I don't like girls. But, he doesn't want to listen. He thinks if he avoids the subject it'll go away and I will like girls. But that's not the way it's going to be. Not now. Not ever.
Mallory just came home and I think I am going to ask her to come out with me tonight. She always gets my mind off things. I am so lucky to have her as a sister and as a friend. Maybe she'll get my mind off Jeff and my dad.
I hope Jeff calls soon. And I hope his tour is going better then he thinks. I worry about that boy more then I should. I wonder if he worries about me too. I hope so.
I am trying to make this whole 'being supportive' thing work. I am going to be a good friend. No more fighting with Jeff, because he doesn't need that right now. Jeff is a little bit nervous. He had been aware that BoySingsBlue would be touring with another band. Today he found out that they would be touring with TaKe My Word, so Jeff is understandably nervous. Take My Word was one of his favorite bands back in high school. I hate the fact that there is nothing that I can say to him to help him feel more confident, less scared, and just better in general. I am a crappy friend.
Being away from Jeff isn't all that good. Yea. I know we drive each other crazy. A lot. More than usual as of late.
But I just got a call from him. I have no idea where he is right now...probably some cheap ass hotel in the middle of nowhere. He sounded upset. Told me that the show went horrible. He thinks the tour is going to be horrible. He over reacts sometimes...but I didn't say that to him. I just sat and listened and felt bad and wished I could have been there with him. Like that would have helped, despite everything that's happened with us these past few weeks. Despite the huge fight we had before he left. God. That was awful.
It kinda scares me that I want to be where he is so bad. I can tell it's a different kind of feeling than "My friend is having a hard time and I want to help him out." It's more than that. But I can't explain.
All I know is that I miss him. I want to be in that cheap ass hotel with him and let him know that one bad show isn't going to ruin this for him.
But right now, I'm sitting on Mal's couch feeling sad and confused and...other things. Hm. I don't like this.
Life is funny like that
Jeff's band is on the road (again). In some ways it is better off this way. I know that when I am around him it drives me crazy. This whole 'being apart' thing will be good for us, I know it. I have spent a lot of time sleeping on Mallory's coach. I guess that's what sisters are for...
I know I shouldn't miss him, but I do. I have been listening to Billy Joel, and just wondering about my love life. I feel like I should be sitting at a bar crying in my beer. Life is funny, beautiful, and really painful.